Bluebirds and Black Stallions
by snapesgirl21
Summary: Grandma Mazur gives Stephanie some sage advice on life and love. A one-shot based partly on a scene from Hard Eight, but is post-Takedown Twenty without any real spoilers.


_A/N: I just recently heard the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles and decided to combine it with a one-shot I'd been planning. Since songfics are verboten, you'll have to listen to the song yourself and read the lyrics, but I encourage you to do so. It's a great song._

Sometimes in life there are innocuous remarks that can have a profound effect on our beliefs or decisions. My niece's horse-related fib two years ago was one of them. She had said she wanted to be in the black stallion reading group, but in reality she was in the blue bird reading group which she had deemed 'poopy'. In that moment, watching Mary Alice and Grandma, I had realized it was like seeing the past, present and future versions of myself. We were black stallions while my mother, my sister Valerie and my other niece Angie were the past, present and future of the bluebirds. They would build a nest and cheerily sing their perfectly-tuned songs while we ran around without a care in the world, splashing through mud and water just because we could, and taking orders from no one. Until my grandfather died, I'd always though my Grandma Mazur was a bluebird as well. It had turned out she was a black stallion in bluebird's clothing.

Two days ago, Grandma had a massive heart attack that had required a triple bypass. She had been doing well after the surgery and had even been able to get out of bed with assistance from the nurses a couple of times. Three hours ago, a nurse had called my mother to say that my grandmother had died suddenly. The hospital suspected a blood clot from surgery, despite the blood-thinners she'd been taking to prevent one. I'd gone to the hospital with my mother and Valerie to see Grandma before she was taken away by the funeral home and to collect her personal belongings. It didn't seem possible that my lively, thong-wearing, porn-watching, chaos-inducing grandmother could possibly be dead, but there she was. She was paler than usual, but looked no different than she did alive. We'd sat with her for about thirty minutes until the undertaker had arrived and the nurses had to start preparing her to be moved. We'd stayed behind after they'd taken Grandma down to the morgue and started bagging up her things. That was when we found the letters, one each for my mother, my sister and me. That was when the realization hit us that Grandma had suspected she wasn't going to make it out of the hospital, and that she'd wanted to pass on her final words to us in case she didn't get a chance to tell us in person. My mother and sister had opened their letters in the room, crying together as they read them. I had put mine in my purse, preferring to read it in private.

I called Morelli to tell him about Grandma once I'd separated from my mother and Valerie and was heading towards my car.

"Damn, I didn't think anything could take her out," Morelli said when I told him.

"I can't believe you just said that!" I said, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, that was insensitive," he said, sounding genuine. "Is there anything I can do for you before I go to the game?"

I stopped right next to my car, but didn't get in right away. He actually had to ask if there was anything he could _before_ he went off to a football game. Wouldn't most men put their plans aside if their girlfriend had just lost her grandmother?

"No," I replied. "Enjoy your game."

I disconnected before he could say anything else, climbed in the car and headed to my apartment. I did some deep breathing throughout the drive, not wanting to fall apart until I was safely home. I kept reminding myself that Grandma had lived a very fulfilling seventy-eight years and that she was probably already causing chaos in heaven and making God regret his decision to let her in. I let myself into my apartment, hung my messenger bag on the hook by the door and went straight to my bedroom. It was only eight o'clock, but I was drained. I pulled on a Douglass t-shirt from my college days, loose-fitting sweats and climbed into bed with the letter from grandma.

My vision was blurry from tears before I even got the envelope open, and I had to wipe my eyes before I could start to read the letter. I had only managed to get the first four lines of the letter read when I heard my front door open and softly shut. Morelli had realized what a good boyfriend should do be doing, had ditched his plans and came over to comfort me. I waited for him to appear in my doorway, and was surprised when it wasn't him that appeared, but Ranger. He was dressed in a black dress shirt, black blazer and black dress slacks. I experienced an onslaught of emotion in that moment that sent me into full-blown sobbing. My grandmother was dead, the man who was supposed to be my boyfriend didn't love me as much as he claimed, and the man who kept himself emotionally distanced from me had come to comfort me when I needed someone the most. Ranger walked over to the bed and sat down, pulling me into his arms. I held on to him, burying my face in his chest as the sobs wracked my body. I took in the smell of his Bulgari shower gel and feel of his arms around me. He rubbed small circles on my back and placed gentle kisses on my head. I wasn't sure how long I cried, but we eventually ended up laying on my bed together, our legs entwined and my head on Ranger's chest. He had one hand on my back and the other resting on my hip.

"How did you find out?" I asked after a while, propping up on an elbow to look at him.

"Tank's new girlfriend was one of your Grandma's nurses," he said. "She told him when she got off work, then he called me."

"What were you doing? You're dressed for a meeting."

"Dinner with my lawyer."

I reached around and picked up the letter I'd dropped on the bed when Ranger had taken me in his arms and started re-reading from the beginning.

_Stephanie,_

_There are some things I want to tell you, but I'm afraid I'll never have the chance to say. I want you to know that you're my favorite grandchild (don't tell anyone), and that I am proud of the woman you have become. But I also want to give you some advice that I hope you'll take to heart. Your mother isn't always right. She wants you to settle down and be like her, a bluebird. But you're not a bluebird; you're a black stallion. You can try to be a bluebird, but you'd be pretending. I was a black stallion, but then I married your grandfather, who wanted a bluebird, so I turned into a bluebird as best I could. After he died, that black stallion that had been trapped inside came bursting out of me. It's probably why I've been so exasperating to your mother, but I can't help it. I have to live and do the things I didn't get to do when I was married. _

_I know you've been on and off with Joseph forever and that it's expected that the two of you will get married one day, but he wants a bluebird. He may try to let you be a stallion, but he won't be able to handle it forever. It's been pretty obvious to anyone that knows you well that Joseph isn't the only man you've been with love with the past few years. I know Ranger's mysterious and different from Joseph, but in the end I think he's the one for you. He lets you be the black stallion. He runs beside you and has your back no matter what. He may not be the man your mother or the Burg thinks is right for you, but you need to go with your heart and head. Don't let others define your life. Don't let their words change you. Don't live in silence. Speak your mind and make your words count. Follow your heart. Be brave. Be that black stallion._

_ I love you, Grandma._

I put the letter down and looked over at Ranger. I had little doubt he'd been reading the letter along with me, and his gaze burned into mine. I placed a small kiss on his chest and cuddled into him.

"Why was she talking about bluebirds and black stallions?" Ranger asked after a minute of silence.

I launched into the story of what had happened that day after we'd slept together for the first time when I'd gone over to my parents' house, where we'd had that conversation about bluebirds and black stallions. Ranger listening intently, not interrupting.

"It's fitting," he said once I'd finished. "You're definitely not a bluebird."

"Yeah, but I'm not sure I'd call _you_ a black stallion. You're more like a black panther. You're capable of running alongside me, but you also have the potential to eat me."

I saw the corners of Ranger's mouth twitch. "You always seem to enjoy it when I do."

I couldn't help but laugh. His outrageous sexual comments always got to me. I smacked him lightly on the chest. "You know what I meant."

"I do," Ranger said, kissing me on the head. "It's why I've always kept my distance. Emotionally, at least."

I traced a circle around one of his buttons on his shirt. "Why can't you let me take the risk? Why do you get to decide for me?"

"It's not just for you. It's for me as well."

I propped myself up to look at him once more. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know that I could be what you need, and one day it wouldn't be enough for you and you'd leave me. And I wouldn't tolerate the set-up you have right now if I were in the boyfriend role. I don't share."

"You don't really invest much emotion in me anyway," I said scornfully. "I don't think it would hurt you if I left. You'd just move on to someone else that you could seduce when the mood struck who probably wouldn't destroy your cars."

I knew I wasn't being logical, and figured that part of this was just my grief over grandma, but it hurt that Ranger wouldn't open himself up to me and that he didn't trust me. Deep down, I knew Grandma was right that Joe wasn't the one for me, but I was afraid she was wrong about Ranger being the one who was.

"Do you actually believe that?" Ranger asked, tilting my chin up to look at him. "Do you think that I track you, give you cars, run into burning buildings and jump off bridges to save you for the hell of it? Do you think I'd do that for just anyone? You know me better than probably anyone except my family, and even they don't really know me that well anymore. I do those things because if something happened to you, my world would stop. It would kill me to lose you, because I love you more than life itself. Does that help you understand my emotional investment?"

"Then fight for me!" I cried, sitting up in bed and looking down at him. "Don't underestimate me! Don't assume I want to be a bluebird! I want to be who I am, and I want to be loved and appreciated for that fact, not changed. And in return, I want to love you for who you are. I want you to open up to me a little more, but I'll take what I can get. I won't try to change you. I just wish you'd trust me enough to realize that."

Ranger gave me an unreadable look, and I burst into tears again. He pulled me back down into him and held me while the new sobs took over. I wanted my grandma's last words to me to be right. She was always right when I was growing up. She'd let me come to her house whenever I'd have a fight with my mother and wouldn't ask questions or make judgments. She'd been a sounding board when my mother's ideas were too traditional. She'd lived on the edge more than any other Burg woman her age. And now she was gone. She could never give me any more advice or be on my side to reason with my mother. I wanted Ranger to trust me enough to give me a chance. I'd always wanted a chance with Ranger, but never thought it would happen because he always said he wouldn't do relationships. Grandma's words came back to me as I laid on Ranger's chest.

_Don't live in silence. Speak your mind and make your words count. Follow your heart. Be brave._

I didn't remember falling asleep, but I was awoken by Morelli's angry voice. "What the hell are you doing?"

I lifted my head from Ranger's chest to see Morelli standing in the doorway, looking royally pissed off.

"What time is it?" I asked sleepily, looking over the bedside clock. It read 1:04.

"It doesn't matter. What are you doing in bed with Ranger?"

"I'm doing what you _should_ have been doing," Ranger commented, sitting up on the edge. "When your girlfriend's grandmother dies, you're supposed to come over and comfort her, not go to a Giants game."

"Shut up," Morelli said. "You don't get to tell me how I should be treating _my _girlfriend. And what makes you think you should be the one coming over to comfort her anyway? Haven't you _helped _enough in the past year?"

Morelli was referring to our time in Hawaii. I'd explained that Ranger had come to Hawaii to help me with a skip, but he'd had trouble believing me.

"Stop!" I shouted. "Both of you just shut up. I have something to say, and you're going to hear me out before you both leave."

Both men looked a little taken aback by my outburst, but I had their attention. Good enough.

"This has been a horrible day for me, but it's also been a very enlightening one. My grandma left me some very sage advice in her letter, and I'm going to follow it."

I turned to Morelli. "Our relationship is over. Permanently. I'll never be what you want, and I'll always resent you for trying to change me. You can find someone else who will want to set up house and have kids someday, but it won't be me."

Morelli's eyebrows went up and his mouth dropped open. "What? But Steph—,"

I held up a hand. "No, you don't get to say anything." I then turned to face Ranger.

"I would like the chance to have a relationship with you. I'm in love with you and have been for a long time. I don't want to change you, and I'll take however much of yourself that you can offer right now. I don't want you trying to decide what it is that I want out of life, but the ball is in your court. If you want this, you know where to find me. If you don't, then I'd rather you be out of my life completely. I can't take it like this any longer."

Ranger also looked surprised by what he was hearing, but in a different way than Morelli, who was now fuming after what he'd heard me say to Ranger.

"I need sleep because I have to help my mother in the morning, so I want you both to leave now, and I want you to not hurt or kill each other in the process."

Neither man moved for a few seconds, but continued to stare at me as though waiting for me to say something different. I looked between them, waiting for one of them to start leaving.

"Whatever," Morelli said, turning on his heel and walking out of my bedroom. I heard the door to the apartment slam shut seconds later.

I turned to Ranger, who was still watching me with that aggravatingly unreadable expression on his face.

"Go," I said, pointing to the door. "I've given you a lot to think about, or the opportunity to make your final exit depending on your decision."

Ranger leaned over and gave me a soft kiss before he stood and walked to the door, but turned around to look at me before he left. He looked like he wanted to say something, but thought better of it. The apartment door closed quietly a few seconds later. I fell back on my bed and blew out a sigh. This had been the most emotionally charged days I'd had in a long time. But Grandma had been right. I couldn't let myself be defined by the expectations of others. I had to live for myself, even if that meant living without both of them men I'd loved for the past few years.

Grandma's viewing was held two days later, during which time I spent most of my time with my family. I hadn't heard from either Morelli or Ranger since they'd left my apartment that night, and I wondered if I'd ever hear from Ranger again. I was worried that the kiss he'd given me before he left had been a kiss good-bye. Grandma had already arranged her funeral with her casket and the dress she would wear, but we'd picked out music and flowers and arranged for the priest. Grandma's explicit instructions were for an open casket viewing. It had been hard to see her lying in the casket with mortician's make-up plastered on her face, but she looked good and I felt certain she'd approve of the job the funeral home had done for her final good-bye. We greeted family and friends for almost two hours, accepting condolences and reminiscing about all of the trouble Grandma had caused in that very room. I was standing beside the casket, looking down at Grandma when I registered the presence of someone standing very close behind me.

"It would have been ironic if you'd had a closed casket for her," Ranger said, his mouth at my ear.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I turned around to face him. He was wearing a similar outfit to what he'd been wearing the night he had showed up in my apartment. His expression was serious as he looked at me, reaching up to wipe away a tear that was falling down my cheek.

"I wasn't sure if I was going to see you again," I whispered.

Ranger didn't say anything right away, but held my gaze and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Are you going home afterwards?"

I nodded. "I rode with my parents. My car wouldn't start earlier. I think it needs a new battery."

A small smile played at the corner of Ranger's mouth. "Of course. I'll drive you home. I want to talk to you."

We were silent on the ride to my apartment twenty minutes later. I was telling myself not to assume anything from Ranger's presence. He could be coming to tell me that he was open to being in a relationship, but he could very well be coming over to say a final good-bye. We went into the apartment and I stood uncertainly in the middle of the living room, unsure of what to do next.

"Whatever it is you need to say, please say it," I finally said after a minute of silence. "I can't stand not knowing which direction this conversation is going."

"I've been thinking about what you said that night, and about your grandmother's advice to you," he began as he walked over to me. "You were right that I shouldn't be deciding the risks you need to take for yourself. You know who I am, and that I may never want to get married and settle down with a family, but I know that I can trust you. Not just to not try to change me, but to not change yourself because of what you think I want. If there is something you want, tell me. If I can give it, or think I can try, I will. But if I think it's impossible, I'll be up front with you. And if it comes to the point where I can't give you what you want, then I won't try to stop you if you want to leave. I love you, and want you to be happy. Whether that's with me or someone else. I want you to be that black stallion."

I didn't know how to express how I was feeling after hearing his words, so I grabbed his face and kissed him, hoping that told him everything he needed to know. He deepened the kiss, pulling me into him and wrapping his arms around my waist. We found we couldn't move from the spot as we started pulling our clothes off, and ended up entwined with each other on the living room floor.

"This is the most action my living room floor has seen since Orin blew himself up in here," I commented, running my fingers up and down Ranger's abdomen as we lay together afterwards.

I felt Ranger chuckle. "An explosion of a different kind."

"Are you coming to the funeral tomorrow?" I asked as I looked over at our discarded clothes and remembered what was to come.

"Yes, because that's what a good boyfriend does."


End file.
